Response to Jessica Mullino's "For the Love of the Game"

            This story is about a teenage girl named Lindsey whose father, a professional baseball player for the Chicago Cubs, left her and her mother when she was born.  Lindsey, a baseball lover herself, seeks her father at Wrigley Field only to be met with disappointment when she didn’t meet with him.  She retreats back to her car to find a loving note from her biological father.

            I loved this story.  It’s incredibly heart-felt, well thought out, and visually impressive.  Even though the story is about baseball, I feel that the plot can pertain to anybody.  In all, the story is about finding a specific relationship with parents.  In this case, the father, who I initially assumed didn’t care for his family, wants to meet his daughter as well.  The descriptions were fantastic.  I especially loved the introduction.  The audience thinks that they are watching a baseball game, only to reveal that it is a tape from 1985.  I thought opening the story in this way was very effective.

            There really isn’t that much that I would change about the story.  There is a lack of dialogue, but I feel that this works for the story.  In other words, it doesn’t feel like one character is walking around thinking in her head.  The pacing could be another thing that the author could focus on.  Overall, I liked the flow of the story a lot.  However, it seems to me that the character is jumping from locations too quickly (Home, school, Wrigley Field, etc.)  The ending worked well, too.  This is a great example of some implied change that the main character will be facing.

            Once again, I thought this story was fantastic.  The level of detail combined with the sentimental factor really tugs at my heartstrings.  Not to mention that the Cubs are my favorite baseball team.  I enjoyed reading this story.  Great Job.

Response to Taylor Hardy's "Losing Sincerity"

            Taylor’s story portrays the main character, Brad, and his attempts to survive as a manager of a hotel.  He controls and directs a small staff of people and becomes fond of Alyson, a fellow employee.  After a wild sorority party in the hotel, the two decide to go out for drinks despite their previous one night stand.

            Some of the things that I really liked about the story was the use of dialogue.  It seemed very realistic for these characters to speak this way due to their young adulthood.  The short sentences and multiple curse words worked well.  As far as the plot goes, I had a hard time making sense of what was happening.  There seemed to be a lot of distractions from the initial story line, which is the relationship between Alyson and Brad.  I appreciated some of the later characters introduced, such as the Australian and the Californian.  I thought that they were going to add a new level of depth in the story, but instead they seemed to get in the way.  I felt this way about the entire party as well.  It may as well have never happened.  I kept on expecting at some point the two were going to settle their differences at the hotel.  But instead, we sift through a large amount of fluff to reach the conclusion where they get drinks together and everything is presumed to be just fine.

            The title also could have been a little stronger and more relevant to the story.  Who’s being sincere and losing it?  In all, I thought that the story and setting was very interesting.  There are a lot of ways for this story to pan out and be fantastic.  For now, I think that the author can work on cutting to the chase (which is definitely a problem I have).  I enjoyed the story.

Response to Kody Blackwell's "Over the Counter"

            “Over the Counter” tells the story of an ambitious single father, Mark Nichols, seeking good fortune upon his children.  At the beginning of the story, he discovers a hefty debt notice in the mail and seeks an alternative means of making money.  His pharmacy job can’t quite suffice, so he takes advice from his friend and subsequently steals prescription medicine with the intent to sell.

            There were a lot of things that I thought fit really well into the story.  I loved the characters.  A father struggling to stay afloat while supporting his children is a compelling story.  However, I feel that we don’t learn enough about these central characters.  I wanted more insight into these lives.  Simply by adding more dramatizing scenes and dialogue this could solve the problem.  I also liked the story arc for the character Mark.  I’m intrigued with his disposition.  The conflict to do what is “right” works perfectly with the character’s complacency.  I thought that this tension could have been played up a lot more.  While this element is a little conventional, the conflict still remains strong and can be very striking if its fleshed out more. 

            The story also lacked a tangible sensation.  A lot of the imagery seemed blurred or simply not included.  I think that visually there is much more room to expand.  Instead of moving from scene to scene I feel as if the author could do just a bit more embellishing.  Overall, I did enjoy the story.  The situations seemed very real and relatable.  Not to mention, I know that I can fall in love with these characters if I just learn a little more about them.  The story simply lacks a personal element; an extra flare of emotions and dramatic scenes could do the narrative a lot of good. 

Response to Robert Elrod's "Pretend"

            “Pretend” is a story that follows an unnamed main character that we learn hasn’t robbed people in years.  But now he has mustered up the courage to attempt a robbery on the next car that pulls up to this dilapidated gas station.  Upon meeting the occupants of the car, a young woman and her son, the man proceeds to make idle conversation and is reluctant to go through with his plan.  The car drives off; it’s passengers unharmed.

            There were a lot of elements to the story that I felt really worked.  The shining moments in this story is the use of dialogue.  This is a good thing because the whole narrative is one conversation.  I thought that this was a creative use of storytelling.  Robert’s descriptions were beautiful and well received as well.

            The one thing that I would consider changing would be a reference to the main character’s financial troubles.  At the beginning, we are told that this man does what he can to scrape by, so why wouldn’t he accept money from the woman?  I understand that he sort of is infatuated with the pair, but it would just make more sense if he earned money at the end through honest labor.  This way, the main character can change in more ways than just one way.

            In all, I really enjoyed the story.  I thought that it was a creative and interesting way to tell a story.  I like that the majority of the information that we find out about the characters is through dialogue.  We learn some about the protagonist from the opening paragraph, but not too much.  I also really like the title.  Both characters seem to be doing some degree of pretending in their lives, be it the woman’s situations at weddings or the main character pretending to be a robber.  I had a lot of fun reading this story, and I felt as if a lot of things were working towards the story’s advantage.

Response to Lauren Barkley's "Winter's Chill"

            “Winter’s Chill” is a story about Mr. Smart, a funeral home director, and his wife.  There are multiple undertones throughout the story that Mrs. Smart has been cheating on Mr. Smart.  With their relationship on thin ice, Mr. Smart takes a job where he must travel up a treacherous and freezing mountain.  He subsequently crashes, leaving his wife with her sorrow.

            The first thing that I noticed about the story was how illogical Mr. Smart’s job is.  I’d be hard pressed to believe that a funeral home director does his job, the jobs of a coroner, and fills in for the city morgue all at once.  This to me was a huge problem in the story.  There were a lot of plot holes and I had a difficult time understanding the character’s reasoning for their actions.  I also thought that the whole cheating ideas could have been played up a bit more.  To me, there is not a big enough conflict in the story to understand the distress of the characters. 

            There were a lot of elements to the dialogue that I felt really worked.  For instance, when Mr. and Mrs. Smart are speaking, the reader gets a sense that they are detached.  I would have liked to see a scene where they had a conversation about their relationship or some sort of fact that we see their marriage falling apart.  In adding more to the story, I feel like we could see a much stronger character connection between the two main characters.  There seems to be too much telling instead of showing in the story.  Some dramatization could be useful to help solve this problem.  Overall, I did enjoy the story.  I think if the writer fleshes out the plot and expands her character horizons, then this will read as a great story.

Response to Ethan Hightower's "Holes Full of Dirt"

            Ethan Hightower’s short story follows Jeremy, a teenager who wishes for a stronger relationship with Ashlyn, his carpool driver.  Jeremy wants to meet Ashyln at a baseball game on evening, but is driven to prove his work ethic to her by fixing the dirt holes on his street.  As he is working, his car gets stuck in a ditch.  Although is weary to tell his father, he eventually does and is met with a much more positive response than previously anticipated.

            One of the things that I liked about this story was its simplicity.  I could really relate to these characters, however they were not as fleshed out enough in the story.  I really wanted to see Jeremy meet Ashlyn again.  The dialogue was realistic for the ages present, but it did feel one-dimensional at times.  It lacked sort of an artistic feel and came off at times as boring.  I wanted to get to know these characters, but they seemed too closed off to the reader.  The overall plot seemed too close to a “moral” story which made the ending a tad bit anti-climactic.

            Overall, I liked Ethan’s style of story telling.  The short, and simple sentences leave a lot of room for strong dialogue themes and details.  This where I felt that the piece was lacking.  In all, there just didn’t seem to be enough going on, which I know is a strange thing to complain about.  The story just seemed to be very “matter-of-factly” and didn’t have any multi-layered elements to it.  I wanted to see Jeremy get with this girl after a much bigger conflict than filling up these holes that the character doesn’t really have to do.  I couldn’t really gauge what the characters or the settings really looked like.  Imagery would be useful in this story as well.

            I see the potential in the writing.  This good story could be a great story with a little bit of work.

Response to Adam Smith's Short Story

            Adam Smith’s short story follows the early life of our protagonist, Margaret.  Set in London after World War II, Margaret is adopted from her orphanage as a young girl by Lucy, her new mother.  They live together in a flat as we see Margaret grow into a young woman.  Lucy is a loving woman yet extremely controlling and distrusting of the rest of the world.  One day, Margaret meets a young milk boy who she immediately becomes infatuated with until she ultimately witnesses him committing assault on a young woman in an alley.  Defeated and disappointed, Margaret goes home to her mother.

            There were a lot of things that I really enjoyed in the story.  The story telling and the pace of the story seemed to work well.  It didn’t feel rushed and I had no misunderstandings of what was happening in the plot development.  The characters appeared real and very humanistic except for Margaret who is a little cliché in her personality and upbringing.  I didn’t mind this, however.  I thought the dialogue was great, but considering the setting, I felt that there could have been more British vernacular included in the text.  I think that this would add to a more compelling feel of setting.

            The only thing that I could see the story expanding on would be the use of dramatizing scenes.  The writer tells us a lot of great details, but if he includes the information in the dialogue, then maybe the readers could figure out these characters in more interesting ways.  Overall, the story really needs a title.  If that is the biggest mistake in the paper, then I’d say the story was very well written and well received.  I enjoyed every word and can really see the talent in the writing.  In all, this was a great story.

Response to "Deception" by Laurel Kostakis

            Laurel’s short story conveys a rather bloody drama between husband and wife.  Ultimately the story is about the protagonist, Marcy, and her lying, cheating husband, Kevin.  Slowly Marcy begins to figure out Kevin’s rather elusive behavior, and presumes him cheating on her with another woman.  As Kevin announces that he has a shady business meeting out of town, he leaves the house to Marcy to spend the night in by herself.  On this night, Marcy encounters her husband and another unnamed man in her house.  Both characters kill each other, and Marcy moves on like nothing happened.  Oh, and she gained some dogs.

            The story did a lot of things right at the beginning.  The most impressive of which was the dialogue.  I really enjoyed the conversations between Marcy and Kevin.  Just by this scene, the reader can really gauge the relationship and understand the character’s places in the story.  However, towards the end it began to feel more rushed.

            Firstly, the story seems to raise more questions than it answers.  I’m a big fan of open-ended story endings, but this one seemed to make no sense at times.  I’m almost reluctant to call Marcy the protagonist, because I feel that in no way she drove the story.  Everything that she went through she had no part in.  All events seemed to escape Marcy’s comprehension or involvement.  The beginning of the story, I initially found interesting, but when the story reaches a conclusion, I feel as if the opening sequence is irrelevant.  In all, I just felt confused.  I enjoyed reading the story, but I just couldn’t grasp what was making the characters do these things.  Why was this husband a killer?  Who was this other burglar/murderer who enters the house?  Why does Marcy seem so detached?  The story feels incomplete, and in the middle of all of this juicy action and story, there appears to be pieces missing.

Response to Nate Lundberg's "The last bit of home-made sugar"

            Nathan’s story details the brief glimpses of an unnamed narrator and his life in the hills of Ohio.  The speaker’s family resides on a patch of land, presumably in the mountains, that they share with extended family as well.  The snowy mountains hold cabins for the narrator’s immediate family, uncles, grandfathers, and one older couple who are not related to the narrator.  After catching word of the older man’s heart attack, the narrator and his family make way to the cabin to save the man.  After rescuing him and placing him in the car, the family asks the narrator to push the car up an icy mountain for it’s wheels couldn’t quite turn.  His family leaves him in the snow, where we assume that they are taking the elderly man to the hospital.

            The author accomplishes a lot of things that I like in the story.  For one, the imagery is profound and draws the reader into the story.  Nathan really captures the sting of the cold mountain air, and the various scenes with nature extremely well.  There’s one instance where he describes his encounter with his grandfather at his cabin and recalls the taste of fruity gum and saw dust.  It’s unique visuals like this that give the story a strong sense of character.

            I feel that the narrative begins to fall apart when the news broke of the heart attack.  The story suddenly began to feel rushed and unfocused.  The author either needs to break down the rescue scene much more or extend the scene.  The overall reasoning and understanding behind the family leaving the boy outside the car on a freezing uncivilized mountain is beyond me.  Why couldn’t they just stop and pick him up?  I understand that they were in a rush, but it doesn’t seem that inconvenient.  Nate is a really talented writer.  I really enjoyed some of the feelings that this story brought about.

Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

            “Off” follows the story of a young woman in pursuit of last minute romance at a dwindling party.  The setting remains the same throughout as the narrator swings from room to room of the same house.  She sets a goal (presumably she’s met these goals before) to kiss three guys: one with dark hair, one with blond hair, and one with red hair before the end of the night.  The meaning behind her motives remain unclear, however the story does imply the subtle loneliness of the character.

            The first person perspective of the story is key.  Bender was sure of her sentence structure and grammar when she was entering the mind of this character.  The sentences are long and disjointed, representing inner thoughts well and showing the scatter-brained motives of the narrator.  I found this to be very effective in the storytelling.  Even though this gives us a pretty clear idea of how the narrator operates, it robs the reader of the knowledge of any other characters.  The other people in the story never give their direct opinion of the narrator, but they do show brief glimpses of animosity towards her.  We do learn that she has always been known as the girl in school with a trust fund.  Then, she keeps referring to possessions, either that of herself or the people around her.  This gives the reader a faint idea that this woman is incredibly materialistic, cynical, and spoiled.  She is determined to get what she wants.

            I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the title or the ending.  I presume that the man who pulled her from the small mountain of coats will have a chat with her and tell her how out of line she was.  With the way everyone reacted to her “stealing” the coats, I can only imagine that they all dislike her and think her to be a bit crazy.

            

Response to "The Love of My Life"

T.C. Boyle’s “The Love of My Life” is an abstract short story that follows the lives of two high school students, Jeremy and China.  Their relationship comes to an abrupt end when China gives birth and the couple decides to leave their baby in a dumpster to die.  This is not quite the story that I was expecting to read.  Anyway, the character’s relationship throughout the story slowly spirals downward.  I really liked Boyle’s intent to make an anti-teenage love drama.  Initially, my thoughts told me that this story was going to end in a rather lovely cadence.  Little did I know of the whirlwind to come. 

Jeremy and China make the transition from high school to college.  This is when China calls Jeremy to tell him that she is pregnant.  After much debate over the phone, China ultimately states that she would rather die from childbirth than go to the hospital.  After she gives birth and the father gets rid of the baby, both characters are arrested.  China is taken into custody after her hospital visit and Jeremy was woken up in his dorm room to police officers waiting to arrest him.

In the end, all China wanted to do was to see Jeremy.  She didn’t care about the amount of animosity she would receive for doing such a vicious act.  She wanted to see her true love, Jeremy.  China learns that she is going to testify against Jeremy in court while she is under house arrest.  In this moment she realizes that he is the love of her life.  She lies in bed, thinking of him and longing to be together.

Response to Rhamah Norris' "Leaving"

            Rhamah’s short story, “Leaving” is an epic piece of fiction writing.  The level of detail in which Rhamah was able to add to the story all within six pages is incredible.  I was able to gauge the world and the characters all while being guided by flawless dialogue and the continuous flow from paragraph to paragraph.

            The story follows the narrator and her best friend/girlfriend, Katherine.  It begins as the girls are in elementary school and continues until the girls have reached college.  Katherine learns early on that she is gay and has no desire to be with men.  The narrator, with her already close affection towards her friend, eventually falls in love with her.  The girls’ relationships begin to escalate to the point where kissing just isn’t enough.  Katherine wants more of a sexual relationship as well, only to be met with the narrator’s resistance.  Through much deliberation, the narrator finds out that she is asexual and believes this to be perfectly normal and presumably continues her partnership with Katherine.

            There really isn’t much that I would change about the story.  The only thing that I would like to see would be more of it.  Dealing with one’s own sexuality is a tedious trial.  Therefore, I think that more conflict revolving around sexuality would be more desirable.  I see a lot of potential for storytelling with the conflicting personalities of Kat and the narrator.

            Overall, I loved this story.  I can’t help but sing Rhamah’s praises.  The story really reveals Rhamah’s talent as a writer.  I was very impressed with the way the story moved.  It felt so natural to read it.  The characters seemed real and visceral as well as the dialogue.  I wanted to believe every word of this story and take it for fact.  Alas, Rhamah has succeeded in telling a compelling short story.

Response to J.J. Nelson's "Lessons"

            J.J.’s story is very intriguing.  The story combined with the dialogue and topped with the final twist was a lot of fun to read.  In a nutshell, the story revolves around a young American boy who is visiting Italy for vacation.  During his stay, he meets a shady old man in which he and the boy exchange words.  The majority of the story takes place on a train car, which is a metaphor for “life” in the narrative.  As the conversation between the two characters get more intense, the train finally stops to let the boy off.  In a clever twist, the once perceived helpless and innocent young boy is revealed to be a pickpocket (and a talented one at that).

            Overall, I really enjoyed the story.  The dialogue was good and not too clunky.  However, I did feel like the “thought bubbles” trickled throughout the story were unnecessary.  I wish that J.J. would either cut those out or show more detail to give the readers a clue to what is actually happening instead of cuing in thoughts.  The plot was also very enticing.  J.J. plays with perception in this story.  He introduces two random characters and based on appearances, allows the reader to immediately make preconceived notions.  The only thing I didn’t like about the story was the conversations about “life” between the two characters.  It seemed a bit forced, and too preachy and cliché.

            The twist is what makes the story interesting.  I think that the author proves an interesting point that one should always reserve judgment.  For all we know, this character travels the world and makes a living off of thieving.  I like the open-ended feeling to the story.  It was conclusive and yet sparse and imaginative.  I had a good time reading this story and I hope to read more from J.J. soon.

Response to Lauren Sides's "New Coach"

            Lauren’s story is confusing to me on a lot of levels.  Not that there is no sense in telling a cheerleading drama, but this piece left me dumbfounded.  The story follows the brief glimpse into the life, Kaylee, a teenage girl whose talent and dedication to cheerleading could possibly lead her to a scholarship to Florida State University.  Briefly introduced are Kaylee’s mother and friends whose one-dimensional characteristics add almost nothing to the story.  Finally, the “big bad wolf” takes the form of the “new” coach Alex (who I believe does not have a last name.)  This ruthless coach beats his students to a pulp, forcing them to practice regardless of serious medical injuries or any other much more important things for that matter.  The story follows one narrow path from beginning to end. 

There is a gargantuan amount of potential in this story, yet the author briefly touches on them and instead uses “fluff” to create no real momentum. For me, the story lacks complexity, emotion, and believability.  With situations like bulimia, injuries, and other social dramas revolving around this high school, one can only wish to see those conflicts arise and resolve in some way.  Yet, the reader is given no direction and is left with the main character “walking out” of the scene with all of her misery. 

There are a lot of other technical issues as well.  The author decided to use huge block quotations, which take up ample space for important descriptions and mood setting opportunities.  Also, the characters seem so cold.  Why is this coach on a vendetta to ruin everyone’s lives?  There must be more to this character and the rest of the characters as well.  I believe this story has a lot of story to tell.  It simply needs to be crafted to suit the audience, and in doing so will make the work much more fluid.

Cary Bayless's "Mountain Blood"

            Cary’s story is filled to brim with plot points, flashbacks, and character connections.  However, I believe this to be the story’s downfall.  There are plenty of interesting things going on, but the lack of continuity and cohesion are a bit overwhelming.  The story follows the main character, Chad, and his attempts to come to terms with the loss (I think) of his girlfriend, Julia.  Joining the cast is Chad’s friend, Beau.  A seemingly rugged southern man, Beau aids the main character in his predicament and brings a sense of contentment to Chad.  The story follows a jagged linear pattern in which I mean to plot dips and dives through various thought interruptions and one big flashback.  I was a bit confused with the scenes about the ring (presumably a wedding ring).  Isn’t Chad’s girlfriend dead and gone?  Or is Chad simply trying to maintain his connection with his lover through the ring?

            The author’s intent throughout the story is pretty obvious.  He made sure that if the reader didn’t understand the cliché story line, he’d add a final “thought provoking” line.  To me, I felt that this gave away the story (and all the fun).  The interpretation element is far out for we now know that “Light will always triumph darkness.”  I’m simply disappointed in the cop-out.  The story is full of interesting elements: Love and loss, friendship, a bottomless mountain, and a pair of college-student-murdering vigilantes.  Not that I minded the dialogue, but there are a lot of technical errors that need to be revised. 

            I can see the story going in a lot of different directions.  I like how the writer played with the chronological order.  This element can surely be used to your advantage if it’s done correctly.  I would love to see a revised version of this with a bit more excitement as I anticipated from the title.